The Wounded Healer in Us All
I was a wounded healer and I didn’t even know it.
Why did everything seem so much harder for me than it was for others?
Why was I so concerned about what other people think of me? Why was I worried about offending people so easily?
Why was I always the one to suffer so others didn’t have to?
Why did literally everything have to be stressful and tiring?
Everything carried so much weight with it.
Money was an impossible obstacle that always seemed to limit me, or even crush me.
I couldn’t let go of taking responsibility for my clients results.
I felt guilty when things went well.
I always got angry at the Universe for being unfair and making humans so flawed.
I was trying so hard to control; to break free.
Working so hard to get to the next point.. thinking I'd eventually get to a point where there is no more pain and discomfort.
I was being a "spiritual perfectionist."
That is all just a small fraction of what the wounded healer faces.
For anyone who gets into some type of healing profession and chooses to serve others, is usually starts with their own initial wounds that needed to be healed or still need to be healed.
We carry with us so much pain and so many stories. Pain of our traumas, pain of our ancestors, pain of our past lives.
It’s that pain that will destroy us or fuel us to purpose.
I’ve worked with so many other healers and I see a similar pattern.
You’re good at what you do, you want to serve more people, but there is so much guilt and so much doubt.
You wonder why or how things will work out, talking yourself out of thinking big and letting out your true heart's desires. You doubt that you’re even helping people. Worry about money even when you have it.
It takes a lot of work to shed the old skin, to let go of all the stories buried deep within us. Especially when you are self-employed as some type of healer or therapist...all of those wounds will be rubbed and thrown in your face for you to deal with.
Most healers surprisingly don’t actually have a way to deal with it all in a healthy fashion. That means unhealthy eating patterns, addiction, bottling up the emotions which all leads to poor health, illness and disease. You're so busy healing others you forget where it all began -- healing yourself.
The wounded healer in archetype keeps us small in so many ways, unless we learn to transcend it.
Does any of this sound familiar?
You are stuck in a cycle that keeps you limited. With money, love, health or anything else
You put other people's problems first and want to fix and help everyone else
You have a hard time saying no
You have a negative relationship with money. You basically wish it didn’t exist and you could just help people all day for free and have everything taken care of
It’s way easier to give advice than take it
You feel small and lacking importance
You think the world would be fine without you
You often think you don’t belong here
You wonder “why me?”...Why would anyone choose to work with me?
It hurts to see others in pain
You are very empathic
A part of you knows that you’re powerful but you don’t understand it and are too tired to care sometimes
You're afraid of pain and negative emotions
You’d rather be liked than helpful
You feel low self-esteem
You're lacking confidence
You have unexplainable body aches and pains
You want to help people but you avoid people at the same time
You feel guilty when you do well and succeed at things …or just guilty all the time
You think you have to suffer because others suffer
You don’t fully believe that you deserve love, success, health, and wealth
Those are just a few things I've noticed in my work. It is imperative now more than ever to break out of the wounded healer cycle, to transform that archetype and step into your power.
To provide your gifts to the world or if you already are, to do it without suffering, without negative consequences, without it draining you.
It shouldn’t be that hard just to be yourself.
It is time to enter a place of power, knowing, confidence, trust, and faith. A place where you can be yourself, express yourself, and speak your truth.
No more keeping it in, playing small, no more keeping all your greatness to yourself.
After transforming my own wounded healer and helping others in their healing journey I’ve identified the 3 faults of the wounded healer and put something together to help you break out of the cycle and rise to your purpose and your destiny:
Thinking, Not feeling
This has to do with ignoring your own problems as well as fearing pain and negative emotions. At some point in our life we are cut off. Cut off from our senses and our connection to the divine. We shrink from an open, curious, connected being to one that is dull, disconnected, and fearful.
This happens in many ways and at different times for people. For many it’s at birth, some before birth, and some as children. This fall from innocence is, or at least was, inevitable for everyone so it’s nobody’s fault.
It could have been in the womb if the mother didn’t feel safe and secure. Maybe the birth itself was traumatic, being born into a hospital, taken from your parents to be poked and prodded. That’s not exactly a warm welcome.
Maybe it was later as a baby or child in the thousands of ways trauma can happen. It could simply be not being heard and seen. Never taken seriously so you as a child learn that your feelings aren’t important so it’s better not to express yourself and what you want and better to manipulate for it.
Either way, the point is you’ve been cut off from your senses at some point and entered a world of thinking instead of feeling. Feeling brings up too many old memories and negative beliefs so it’s best not to feel at all - that’s the usual narrative.
Like I’ve heard Brené Brown say, "you can’t selectively numb. If you are numbing unwanted feelings you are numbing positive ones and you are not living your life. You are not drinking freely from the glass of life if you do not again become a being of feeling."
It is a process and there are layers to peel back while returning to feeling. In my therapy sessions with clients, usually one of the first things that comes up is reinstalling the feelings of safety. This way connection can begin to happen and when feeling safe and connected you open your senses more.
Whatever is stored in our subconscious is what we will perceive. I was still carrying fear and danger from my deployment to Afghanistan, my feet were not both planted on the ground, I was disconnected from Mother Earth physically even though I was so open and connected spiritually.
I recently had that layer heal for myself in a Temezcal (sweat lodge) ceremony.
The sweat lodge represents the womb of Mother Earth. After the first round when the door opened and light was piercing through the steam, I saw it so clearly as being in the womb. The question for me at the time was “what kind of world do I want to be re-born into?”.
I didn’t get to consciously choose the first time I was born so now it was time to be born again in a world of my choosing. Of course I chose one of love, beauty, abundance, connection, and joy.
This is when you are taking on too much and carrying that which is not yours to carry.
Have tight shoulders? Feel like there’s a weight on your back? Yeah, just about everyone does. You don’t have to carry all of that. When there is resistance to letting go, the burden piles up.
I’m not talking about letting go as just not thinking about it or saying "oh well". I mean deep release, physically and energetically.
You cannot use your energy efficiently if you are weighed down and energetically wrapped up with so many other things.
One of the main aspects here is taking on other people’s problems and trying to fix other people as a way to avoid your own pain. That just ends up weighing you down even more.
So in the beginning, let go of the responsibility for every other single person's healing except for your own. Then honor the fact that the only way you can truly help them and the way that will help them the best is you honoring your own healing journey.